Tuesday, April 01, 2008

The Law and the idiots who practice it

These questions and answers are from a book called
Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually
said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying calm while these exchanges were actually
taking place.

_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forge t.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,
how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

_________________________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh... I was getting laid!

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different
attorney?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

____ ____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people. Would you like to rephrase that?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p. m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy on him.

___ _____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh.... are you qualified to ask that
question?

________________________________________________

--- And finally---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law.

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Who are we?

While visiting the flying W ranch during our Colorado trip, the following was printed on the back of our tickets. It is part of an essay by Dean Alfange. Alfange was an American statesman born in 1899. I liked it enough to add it here.

"I do not choose to be a common man. It is my right to be uncommon. I seek opportunity to develop whatever talents God gave me-----not security. I do not wish to be a kept citizen, humbled and dulled by having the state look after me. I want to take the calculated risk; to dream and to build, to fail and to succeed. I refuse to barter incentive for a dole. I prefer the challenges of life to the guaranteed existence; the thrill of fulfillment to the stale calm of utopia. I will not trade freedom for beneficience nor my dignity for a handout. I will never cower before any earthly master nor bend to any threat. It is my heritage to stand erect, proud and unafraid; to think and act for myself, to enjoy the benefit of my creations and to face the world boldly and say----'This, with God's help, I have done'. All this is what it means to be an American."

Jokes

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.
________________________
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to
talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him for his name.

"Kenny." he replies

"And what is your question, Kenny?"

"I have three questions:

First --- whatever happened to your medical health care
plan?----Second - why would you run for President after your
husband shamed the office?----And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points
him out. "And what is your question?"
"I have two questions: First - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And Second - what happened to Kenny?"

______________________

Some sad news. Over the weekend President Bush's dog, Spot, passed away. The family flew the dog back to Texas and he was buried at the ranch - right next to 10,000 Al Gore ballots.
______________________

"There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —President George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
______________________

More Jokes

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask... so... whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks, "You want garlic chicken with steam vegtable?"

______________

So you're an adult, aren't you? Maybe not. Anyway, think you can outsmart a pre-schooler? Take the following test and find out. click on the link below:

Pre-School Test


_________________

Pay Attention
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said,

"The second most important quality is observation.


"I stuck in my middle finger and sucked my index finger."

"Now learn to pay attention.

______________________


Boudreaux died and was on his way down to Hell. In anticipation, the Devil turned up the thermostat to make it extra warm for Boudreaux. When Boudreaux arrived, the Devil asked, "Hey Boudreaux, how do you like the heat down here?"

Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's just fine. It reminds me of Bayou PonPon in July."

That made the Devil mad. That night, he turned the thermostat up all the way it could go. Man it was hot! When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "NOW how do you like it down here?"

Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's fine. It reminds me of August on Bayou Lafourche."

As you might expect, that made the Devil all the more mad. Well, that night, he turned the thermostat down all the way it could go! The whole place frosted over. Icicles started forming from the rafters. When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "How you like it NOW, Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux, shivering, through blue lips, says, "Mais cher, I'm one happy Cajun!"

The Devil was infuriated! He yelled, "What do you mean you're one happy Cajun?!!!"

Boudreaux, still shivering says,"The Saints done won the Superbowl!!!"

____________________

A religious man is on top of a roof during the Katrina flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, "No I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in God and God will give him a miracle.

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in. Mumbling with the water in his mouth, the religious man again turns down the help for the faith of God.

So the man drowns. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, “I thought God would grant me a miracle, but he let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you two boats and a helicopter!"

______________________

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."
__
___________________

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I've been asked to go fishing with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a couple of days. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack my clothes and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Specs, some Reds, and a few catfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."

Abe Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln was a champion who never gave up. His perseverance is legendary. Lincoln was born dirt poor in a log cabin. His formal education consisted of perhaps 18 months of schooling from unofficial teachers. He was self-educated, studying every book he could borrow. He studied law books, took all the necessary tests, and became a lawyer without ever attending law school. Lincoln's road to the White House:

1816 His family was forced out of their home. He had to work to support them.

1831 Started a business but it failed.

1832 Ran for state legislature - lost.

1832 Lost his job – Applied to law school - rejected

1833 Started another business, it failed

1833 Became bankrupt.

1834 Ran for state legislature - won.

1835 Was engaged to be married, fiancée died.

1836 Had a nervous breakdown.

1838 Ran for Speaker of the State Legislature - defeated.

1840 Sought to become elector - defeated.

1842 Married Mary Todd Lincoln, had 4 sons. 3 out of 4 died before becoming adults

1843 Ran for Congress - lost.

1846 Ran for Congress again - won.

1848 Ran for re-election to Congress - lost.

1849 Sought to become land officer - rejected.

1854 Ran for Senate - lost.

1856 Sought the Vice-Presidential nomination – lost

1858 Ran for U.S. Senate again - lost.

1860 Elected president of the United States